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Submitted by Bill Ectric on 16 September 2011 - 9:55pm
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Marcus Speh 22 September 2011 - 4:42pm
This paragraph hooks me instantly. What I read before didn't. I had to plough through it to get to this, now I'm happy. The image is clear and says "story".
Bill Ectric 22 September 2011 - 9:36pm
Hi, Marcus. Glad to see you here! So maybe I'll move this paragraph to the top. Thank you, it's what I need to hear.
Marcus Speh 22 September 2011 - 4:45pm
...
Marcus Speh 22 September 2011 - 4:47pm
I'm not an expert in 1972 lingo. Did people talk about "hipness" already? (I'm not from the US or even a native speaker, just curious).
Bill Ectric 22 September 2011 - 9:43pm
We might have said "cool" instead of "hip" but yeah, we definitely related to the hippie counterculture, the San Francisco Summer of Love (1967) and a lot of guys were growing long hair, wearing those "John Lennon" eye glasses, etc. Some of us were more introverted, or our parents still told us how to dress, so we did whatever we could, trying to be different from our parents.
Marcus Speh 22 September 2011 - 4:48pm
I like this Roger character a lot. Especially after this wistful remark.
Bill Ectric 22 September 2011 - 8:28pm
That is very encouraging, as I want him to be likeable.
Marcus Speh 22 September 2011 - 4:52pm
Loud or whispering? I'm trying to imagine this. I'm a little distracted by this as I go on.
Bill Ectric 22 September 2011 - 8:33pm
You're right, it's not necessary. Some people call it a "stage whisper," but why make people wonder?
Marcus Speh 23 September 2011 - 8:57am
I can understand that..."stage whisper" is clearer to me. Personally, I like it simple after direct speech (I'll invariably change «"...," he asked» to «"...?" he said" etc), because I don't want to be distracted and spoon-fed emotions. I'm more in favor of discovery.
Marcus Speh 22 September 2011 - 4:49pm
Crebnor Miles, Meg Longino...Pynchonesque names. Like 'em.
Bill Ectric 23 September 2011 - 9:41am
Cool. Pynchonesque, maybe, but not too extreme.
Marcus Speh 22 September 2011 - 4:54pm
Nice and dense. Haptic. Smells and sounds.
Bill Ectric 23 September 2011 - 9:40am
Thank you.
Marcus Speh 22 September 2011 - 4:56pm
Not entirely sure about this chapter ending, but what do I know...in any case, read this once and commented & I'm definitely hooked and curious to see how it goes on. I like the mixture of fantasy and reality. I like the characters and their interplay. Need to read it again!
Bill Ectric 22 September 2011 - 9:41pm
Marcus, I made some changes based on your suggestions. I thinks it works better.
Marcus Speh 23 September 2011 - 5:55am
I'm honored, not sure i'd have the generosity of spirit & the common sense to do that to my baby, learning from you!...good on ya, mate.
Bill Ectric 23 September 2011 - 9:39am
I agree about not wanting to be spoon-fed emotions. If a readers has an idea about how people talk in libraries, they will hear it that way in their mind. And if they don't have any thoughts about how people talk in libraries, it doesn't matter anyway - they will just keep reading for the content of the conversation. The way Roger said it is not important enough to break the flow. If, on the other hand, one wanted to portray a bombastic character, one might have the character talk loud, and someone else would say, "Ssshhh!" But Roger isn't bombastic. Ahh, Marcus, you've set the gears in my brain to turning.