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Hybrid submission- Devil Got Me
A DNA tale about the legacy of patriarchal madness and religion.
Well I think it busted, so many comments on your story have broken my browser and now I can't get to the bottom of the story to continue, but I definitely think this has some good, strong roots. There are a couple place where you get carried away a bit trying to dazzle me with your prose and sentences get convoluted, but that's a good instinct and always go with it when you're trying to put something down, now the harder part comes when you got to go in and start cutting and clarifying and deciding what sentences are doing the work and what are just so much superfluous window dressing.
I get the a sense, maybe I'm wrong, that this story is a bit about the creation of fair tales by damaged, traumatized folk to explain away the bad things, the senseless tragedies. If this story is more about how Alma Lee deals with what I'm seeing as Incest/rape/emotional battery at the hands of her G-grandfather, then you got to bring that side of it out just a little bit more, don't get so gauzy that I'm missing it, be a little more blunt/literal where appropriate to keep me grounded and aware of what is real and what Alma Lee sees as real. Or I'm wrong, and you can tell me to just fuck off.
I can't imagine why anyone on here would think I would tell them to fuck off. :) I actually think you have made some very astute observations with the exception of literal incest by the grandfather- I don't want to explain away everything though. I should add that I don't try to dazzle with my prose, this is how I always talk. It's not too far from the truth, the world is very freaky to me. I'm looking forward to tackling some of these comments and getting down to business. After a beer or two. Thanks for your help. Gonna get to the novel of yours soon, I swear.
Hi Jana,
sorry I dont have time to offer more detailed comments. I have a few general notes, though:
1) the overall lyricism of the piece works! cutting down on exposition and adding a little more in the moment development , dialogue, "showing it" etcetera to break up the flow. or use poetry instead, but break up the flow of telling more.
2) I think this story probably knows what it is about, but it isn't articulating it clearly yet.
The most consistent thread in the story is sexuality/power-control, sexuality/religion-moralism. However I think you will need to be more decisive with how you are using sex w/in the story in order to achieve coherence of meaning. There are a number of moments ("elijah shot his sap..." girl parts/"fleshy woman body", the crocodile/rape/miscarriage scene where the sexuality appears that it is not effective to any narrative purpose because it's main impression (for me) is that is overwhelmingly disturbing. the reason why it disturbs me is because it's seductively lyrical--so i feel like these moments are aiming for eroticism, although the content is basically violent. (these are obviously not inconsistent in erotica/porn, but in order to make an argument for the piece as literary erotica, i as a reader, at least, need a greater grounding in meaning and intention.) Of course, the best fairy tales combine the erotic, the disturbing and the violent to a perfectly creepy and literary result that taps into basic fear, desire and confusion about sex. The reason for their success, though, imo, is that sex in fairy tales is typically blunt, not lyrical, or understated/inferred. Working with sexuality, i think, is very difficult to do well. I think you are on your way to pulling it off, but you need to get more decisive either about how you feel about sexuality in the story or about communicating that intention more articulately.
I hope that's useful! It will be very interesting to see where you take this in your next draft!
I'm not aiming for eroticism. Sometimes in the midst of a violent act, perhaps because of how a persons brain is reacting to trauma, there is transcendence and in that transcendence there is a lyrical quality, a film like quality or visions, etc..
Ok, I see. Or think I see... My feeling is that it's just challenging to convey sexual violence without it seeming sensationalized. My sense is that the way sexuality is described or encountered in this story needs to shift a little in order for it not to jar. These are very intense images you are working with---and, in such a short piece, right now it feels like structurally more than the space can hold. When I think about the kind of dreamy visionary-ness that comes as a result of trauma, I think about a lot of indirection and misdirection. Focusing on the ceiling as much as the body above. Disembodiment. Vagueness. Hurt. I guess the arousal state (arousal, as in fight-or-flight, not as in sexual) of the protag is what comes across, but not really her hurt or the slow quiet feelings beneath the surface. While it is perfectly right for her to be an unreliable narrator, given that she is focused on survival not on coherence, I still think the story needs some points of reference for the reader, so we can navigate through the lyrcism and half-madness. Make sense?
I do appreciate this dialogue, though. I don't mean to sound dismissive or defensive, I have carefully considered everything you've said and I just don't agree with you. Doesn't mean I don't respect you or your writing or your take on things.
No, it doesn't make sense- Not to me. I understand your line of thought, I get what you're saying. It just doesn't work for me to apply these formulas to this story. It's possible we are different kinds of writers and it's possible we haven't experienced life in the same way. Perhaps you have had something traumatic happen to you, perhaps I have as well. Your version might look a lot different than my version in the retelling and that's okay. Sometimes things happen to people that are beyond category and can't ever be retold in an easily digested way. The effects of trauma can take many forms, there are too many variables. No one who writes about or theorizes rape and it's effects is going to get it right for each individual who has been raped- not even a counselor/psychologist/doctor. You think I have sensationalized this scene and it is jarring- I don't mind that it's had this effect. That is certainly what a lot of my favorite writers and filmmakers and artists tend to do.
This story is fantastic, I love it! Only thing I noticed was, in the 4th paragraph, I think it should be "forbade" instead of "forbid." But, great job.
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