Which version of chapter 1 do you like better?

User login

Submitted by Joshua Malbin on 13 August 2011 - 11:59pm

Hey everybody. All the great comments I've gotten on Red Lemonade have prompted me to create a revised version of Chapter 1 of my novel Soap and Water. The idea is to get action going from the first sentence, rather than backing into it ruminatively, as I had it before.

I like the new version, but then I liked the old version too, so what do I know? I want to know what you all think. Do you prefer the old one, the new one, or like/dislike both equally? I put myself in your hands.

Oh, the book is here: http://redlemona.de/joshua-malbin/soap-and-water. The new version of Chapter 1 is labeled "Alternate version of 001."

Thanks!

Comments

Damian Da Costa 16 August 2011 - 11:33am
I like both too, but I'm finding myself going in more for the revised version. The first lines of the original version are beautiful, but as opening lines they feel stark--and calculated as opening lines. (But then I always think it's better to be stingy with rumination, so that the reader really appreciates it.)
Tamara Sussman 17 August 2011 - 10:28pm
I think the new one gets off to a punchier start - more action from the get-go, while keeping the content.... good!
Rachel Spector 19 August 2011 - 8:24am
I like the new version better overall, with one problem: it seems almost too crowded. It is much longer than the other chapters you've posted, and there is a lot of intro and background crammed in: the GIs, the coasts, the scalping, the posses, the food riot, background on Meg's journalistic position, the Hack, Riefenstahl. I like that the food riot at the end doesn't come out of nowhere as you've introduced it at the outset, and that the Hack isn't the main focus of the chapter. I also love those opening lines from the old version though.
Josh Kamensky 22 August 2011 - 6:59pm
Hmmm. I find myself drawn to elements of the first one. I like the way the novel originally begins with the sky, and it takes us a few beats to figure out who's telling us about it and why. I also like the slightly longer, more showcased scene with The Hack. (I don't miss the long song excerpt.) The rhythm feels more careful, in a way that both organizes the chapter better and gets at the stretches of boredom punctuated by terror that describe the scene in the Occupation. Rhythm e.g. introducing Riefenstahl before Meg goes to her at the end of the chapter. I would say, if you're trying to get in with action, do it with action, not an interview -- break in with the interview being interrupted by gunfire, barely suppressing the food riot, then fill in the whys of Meg's interviews and her situation in Denver. At the end of the chapter, bring the food riot back with a bang -- foreshadow it and then exploit it.
Joshua Malbin 26 August 2011 - 2:52am
I can definitely do that with the action if I stick with this version. It sounds like you disagree with the criticism I asked Chris to post about the story taking a few pages to get going. Or do you think there's a way to square what you're saying with what he wrote?
Joshua Malbin 20 September 2011 - 9:47am
Thank you all for your thoughts. I tinkered with the new version of the chapter some more and it is now simply listed as "Chapter 1" at http://redlemona.de/joshua-malbin/soap-and-water.