Here's a stanza that starts off great--I really like these two lines. I think the mind has a tendency to overcomplicate, though, when it comes to writing. I know mine does at least. Some great advice I got from a prof: read your poems aloud as if you're reading TO or FOR someone and cut anything you wouldn't say to that person standing before you. The great thing about writing poetry is that it's a much more contained revision process, you can rewrite a poem thirty times in an hour. Whereas in rewriting prose is can take 20 minutes to craft one decent sentence before moving on to the next one. And it's likely when you look at that sentence again a month or to later, you'll rewrite it again until you've stripped it to the bones.

These are the lines I'm referring to.

I like the POV here and everywhere. This particular imperative is amazing because it changes the entire tone & throws it back to the time of Defoe or at least something a little musty and traditional. I might have to learn this poem by heart now.

Ryan, thanks for the advice but I did read it aloud as I do with all my poems. Both my parents are writers so I know most of the "tricks." I didn't take sea incandescent from any other poem, I used it to juxtapose the bootleg and maybe it is superfluous. I will look at it again in a while and see. Its funny, I didn't start out to write a semi-erotic poem but that's what it became. Writing poetry is very different from prose, you got that right! Do you write poetry? I'd like to see it because I am very impressed by your prose. Thanks again for all the input. And of course to Marcus for his positive slant.

Going further: I like this whole stanza, but "the sea incandescent" seems ... from a different period? Does it refer to a poem or a line from a poem? I like this whole poem--actually, and "bootleg it to the sea" maybe incandescent takes away from that?

I can't seem to reply to your post below, so I'm editing this one: To answer your question, I studied and love poetry but I'm not much of a poet by my estimation. Marcus and I are currently embroiled in an interesting and ongoing debate....

This whole poem is highly concentrated heart juice. Loved it—noticed "Dalkey Bay" at first & I go after all things "Dalkey" in the hope I might run into Flann O'Brien's ghost.

Awesome.